Poor, neglected blog

Since I haven't written here in MONTHS, and haven't written consistently in probably years, I would be shocked if anyone is reading this. So thank you, whoever happens to be here!

I have now been graduated and working for a little over a year now, and am still adjusting to life outside the ivory tower. And, to be frank, I'm not sure if I really love it. So I want to go back to school for a PhD? No, not right now. But someday? I probably won't be able to resist.

It's funny, it's not that "real life" is hard and that I want to go back to the "easy" life of academia, as people would probably suspect. No, it's more that I am finding this working life is not as challenging as the academic world was and I'm finding my mind is gasping for more.

My job itself is pretty great, and I have done some things to make it more intellectually stimulating (and it is much more intellectually stimulating than many jobs out there), but it's still not quite enough, I think.

I want to push at the boundaries of what it is that we know, not just use already existing information, and find *answers* to the questions I have in the clinic.

In a typical clinic day, there just is not the time to hunt down answers to all the of questions that come up: how many times a week should I see this patient? How much progress can they make with factors X, Y and Z? Should I use this approach or this approach? And even if I did manage to hunt down answers to those questions, the odds are that I would find that zero research has been done on a given topic.

In an ideal world, half my time would be spent in a clinic and the other half would be spent doing research on clinical topics (or at least theoretical topics that could affect clinical practice).

Will that happen? Hopefully. Soon? Maybe not. It is pretty darn nice not having homework!

Homebody weekend

While we didn't do much this weekend, we got a lot done. Finally tackled the boxes of papers that have been sitting in our extra room for months, set up a filing system, got started on taxes, cut out some new sewing projects, took some nice long walks with the pup, read, read, watched Buffy, did some laundry, and even managed to hang out with two sets of friends before 3:30 today!

This brief moment in my life is very nice. I finally feel like I have a little bit of footing in my job, have gotten several very nice comments from patients' parents about the job I am doing, and (for the moment), have a caseload that is light enough that I am getting home before 7 PM a couple nights a week. That will change, and soon, but I am enjoying it while I can.

It's amazing what a difference a few hours makes. With my commute and the bus schedule, I end up with 12 hour days when my schedule is full. 7 to 7 is hard. Hopefully I can enjoy my "break" a little longer.

Christmas Cheer

After Nablopomo, I always have great momentum for posting more regularly, but I thrive under pressure, and I just can't seem to bring myself to post more frequently without the lure of PRIZES! even though I still have lots to say.

I am currently covered in threads from Christmas present-making, stuffed with cookies sampled during production, and very, very sad at the thought of going back to work tomorrow. With the bonus Monday gift of getting a cavity filled right before going into work. Fun!

Can't I just stay home and be Christmassy all year? (Aside: somehow, "Christmassy" is recognized as a real word by Blogger. Truly amazing.) I was a baking fiend, even if two of the five recipes didn't come out quite as planned and one whole batch of bars had to go straight into the trash.

Friends, check your nuts BEFORE you put them in the batter, because they may have gone rancid after sitting for years on the shelf. The good news is that after I get some fresh nuts, I think the recipe will be just delicious. And here concludes the most unintentionally dirty paragraph I have ever written.

Working Stiff

For the first time in my life, I am at a point where what I am doing could be (will be?) what I will be doing for The Rest of My Life. This scares the shit out of me. Not because I'm not happy with my chosen profession or because I don't like not having homework, but because this feels so final. So ultimate.

I know it doesn't need to be, and being out of school does give me so many more options, but it is utterly frightening not to have an ultimate goal. In grad school, there was always an end goal (the degree) and even a general end date. Before that, my goal was grad school. Before that, graduation from undergrad. Etc.

So now that I am just working, what exactly is the goal? I mean, I know the goal is to help kids and generally make the world a better place and hopefully have a family someday, but it's just too abstract for me right now.

Maybe that's why I've thrown myself so much into sewing and making these various projects. They give me some sense of completion, a goal to work towards, because goodness knows my job does not give me that. Some jobs are project-driven, and I tend to do very well with those kinds of jobs. Other jobs you just keep DOING, and the doing is the job. The doing may vary considerably from day to day, and it may be very important that you keep doing, but the doing never stops.

Perhaps someday I will decide I want to go back for a PhD, and then I won't have ANY problem with goals and deadlines! In the meantime, I will continue having projects at home to give me a sense of completion. In addition, I am going to try to follow the excellent advice of my father, who was a school counselor for many years, which is very similar to what I do, and make sure that I FINISH the projects on the weekend so that I can get a sense of completion and not have things hanging over my head at home and at work.

Mondays

Mondays are always hard, no matter who you are or what you do. My Monday schedule sounds like it should be a nice way to start the week, but I'm rethinking that now.

Mondays, I can't start the part of my work that actually counts toward something (seeing patients) until 1 PM, though I usually come in at about 11 AM to do paperwork, etc. Easing into the day, extending the weekend, right?

At 1, my first patient comes and then I don't stop until 6 PM, not even for 5 minutes to sit and write the notes for each kiddo's visit. Which means I get to stay and write all 5 of them at 6 PM, plus cleaning up, etc. I'm literally doing a full day's work in half my normal day, so it's essentially going zero to sixty in a heartbeat.

But, being thrown headfirst into the work week isn't so bad. Every other day's schedule seems like a relative picnic!

Wordsmything

I was doing some language therapy the other day (yes! I have started! Yes! I love it! No! I will really, really try to avoid blogging about it! I will try to never blog directly about my work!)...

Ahem. As I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself, that the language therapy I was doing reminded me of my own complicated relationship with language. I began my professional/academic relationship with language in undergrad, when I was an English writing major. There, I was deeply, deeply involved with the English language and became rather skilled at manipulating its intricacies.

Then, I moved to Linguistics, where I was fascinated by the ability to quantify that tricksy will-o-the-wisp of language I had tried to master in my writing. Attaching numbers to the frequency with which people used a certain word versus another, or even analyzing the minute differences in the vowels people use could tell you so much about the intersection between people, society and language. It was amazing. As I studied more and different languages, I learned about the incredible range of possibilities in language. I found poetry in the translations of other languages, was moved by the simplest differences in how we encode our thoughts.

Finally, I moved to speech-language pathology, where I could use all of that linguistic knowledge and experience to help those who struggled with learning language in some way. I love it because all of that theoretical knowledge I acquired for selfish reasons (I loved it! I wanted more!) I can use to help others. However, it is a double edged sword.

I am learning that while I adore many aspects of my job, I am challenged when I try to teach some of the slightly higher level language concepts. If you or I spoke with one of these kids or young adults on the street, we could have a perfectly good conversation with them. However, they often struggle with many of the slightly more advanced language concepts, especially those used in school. Things like defining words, explaining "why," describing things, etc. And I don't mean doing these things well, just doing them at all.

My struggle is that I have spent many years teaching students with typical language how to refine these skills and shape the language to their use. So how do I go back so many steps to try to remember how to learn the skills in the first place? It's definitely a challenge for me, but I am making small progress. Learning how to explain things at the most basic level is a skill everyone should develop (I just have a pressing need to).

(And with that, I end on a preposition! Take that, prescriptivists!)

Working Girl

I started my first real-life, grown-up job this week in my chosen profession and it feels good. As I stood on our porch this morning, looking out on the mountains with Jasper by my side, I felt for the first time that I've EARNED this. I am working to support the life I want and contributing to our household to make this all possible. It feels very good.

On having no time

I just have time for a quick note this morning before I set off on my typical twelve-hour day of meetings, clients and class.

I have been thinking a lot about the passage of time, how short life really is, and the way we spend our time. I think seeing my husband only for an early morning goodbye kiss when he leaves for work and a goodnight kiss when one of us comes home late at night while the other is still in bed might have something to do with it. On good days, we get to eat dinner together at 9 PM before we both retreat to our computers to finish our work for the night. I know this is a necessary time in our lives to get to where we want to be, but I don't love it.

Is my time best spent in endless meetings and three hour classes? What exactly is all this "work" I need to do everyday? What purpose is it all serving? Some of it is useful, either to me or to someone else, but some of it simply is not worth the time spent doing it. Not that I have a choice in the matter right now. And I will probably always have to do pointless work to some degree, but I hope I can do it more mindfully and balance out its utility and importance with the time I spend doing it.