One Week

I think today is going to be a really hard day. Last night was tough, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was watching two of the saddest episodes of Buffy ever. I have to say, though, Joss Whedon knows grief and can write it. Damn.

One week ago today, during our weekly staff meeting, in the room we always meet in, I found out Alicia had left this world. I can't believe it's already been a week. I can't believe it's only been a week.

I'm so glad my weekly meeting is with amazing coworkers, otherwise there is no way I would want to face it. The best part, though? They will be filming our meeting today as part of a promotional video for the department. I might need to excuse myself for that because I'm just not good enough of an actor to be able to cover up this utter sadness. And I don't think that needs to be shown in a promo video.

Here goes nothing...

Goodbye to a friend

Alicia passed last week, obviously not unexpectedly, but the loss of a friend much, much too soon is never easy to bear. I've been doing better than I expected I would be, something I have heard echoed in several other friends. Today, going through some old photos of Alicia, I felt joy for the first time, joy in celebrating this wonderful human being I was lucky enough to be able to call a friend.

It's not right that she was taken from us so soon, and not fair that she had to endure so much in her time here on earth, but she lived a helluva life in the time that she had, and touched more people than most of us will ever dream of.

So if you are the prayerful type, please send some out to Alicia's family and friends, especially those incredible people who were there with her for several weeks, all the way through to the very end. I do have some guilt about not staying with them, but they have assured me I needn't feel that way (but that only helps a little. I know what they did and how incredible they are).

Life without Alicia is going to be hard, indeed.

Overwhelmed: Redux

OK, I have gotten over any selfish feelings I had and now I am completely undone by the amazing outpouring of support for Alicia. Hundreds of messages over just a few days, with messages of love and support. Between last night and today, I came to the realization that these messages are helping my spirits too. Just knowing how much love there is in the world and how many strangers are willing to express that brings me to tears (as do most things, these days).

I am overwhelmed by the messages from people who are also battling cancer, have loved ones with cancer, or who have been touched by Alicia's story. She has touched SO many lives. I can't even begin to comprehend the impact she has had on this world.

I am so, so, so lucky to know her and to be able to call her my friend, but I know thousands and thousands of others now call her "friend" too. Friends touch our lives and share their hopes, fears, and dreams with us, and she has done that with wit, grace and strength most of us can only dream of.

I love you, Leashie.

Overwhelmed

I am writing this on my iPhone, so this will be short.

The Chronicle ran a front page story on Alicia this morning and I have been overwhelmed (though unsurprised) at the outpouring of support and comments. There are almost 400 comments on the article already, the Facebook group has tripled in size and people are tweeting he news.

I'll be honest: I'm torn about this. On one hand, she wanted those people who care about her, in real life or through her story, to know, but on the other hand, I have this terrible, selfish, protective feeling. "She's MY friend" I want to say, but even as I have that impulse, I know that she is too great to belong to me, or to anyone. Plus, she would kick my ass for saying that, even now.

I'm about maxed out on my patience with iPhone typing, but I want to say this: thank you to everyone who has had the courage to write your words of gratitude, shared sorrow, and hope. It's amazing how many lives she has touched.

Visiting Alicia

I got back last night from a week in San Francisco visiting Alicia. Well, "visiting" isn't exactly the right word to describe what it was I was doing there. Frankly, I don't know if there IS a word to describe it.

I want to write in more detail about different aspects of my experience later, but for the time being, I will try to describe it in one of my favorite forms: listing*.

My week in San Francisco was:
Surreal
Healing
Cathartic
Emotional
Supportive
Helpful (to some degree, I hope)
Other-worldly

Things I did while there:
Acted confused and bewildered for the first two days
Started to get my shit together on day three
Fell into the "visitor organizer" role, somehow

Took over part of the on-site coordination when the high school crew left

Transitioned the RA crew in

Kept busy so I didn't have time to think

Just *was*

Tried to stay awake for an all-nighter, at the end, but definitely fell asleep

Forgot to eat real food until noon, most days

Dropped a dress size (see above)

Emotions I felt:

Scared

Confused

Really fucking angry

Useful

Productive

Protective of Alicia

Protective of Alicia's friends

Panic

Body-wracking grief

Joy

Love

Friendship (see: rekindled, old)

Friendship (see: new, born of shared adversity)

Awed

Grateful

Many moments of consciously noting the importance, symbolism, or otherwise consciously observing the situation**

Hopefully I can commit more of my thoughts on this incredible, awful experience to writing soon and share them with you. It might take me a little while, and no promises I will publish everything I write. However, if Alicia was brave enough to share her story, I think I can share mine.

*Alicia knew this about me and sent me one of the most awesome books ever, that was written in list form. I need to go find that book now...

**Doesn't fit with the rest of the list, but there isn't a word for that idea***

***I have put more thought into the writing, style, and most importantly, punctuation of this post than any other in this shoddy blog, because I know Alicia would kill me if I made a typo or error, being the great copy editor she is.****

****There are definitely going to be typos. It's unavoidable. Sorry, Alicia. And the style of these footnotes is dreadful. Woe.

Life takes unexpected turns

Last Thursday, I got information that would change my life forever. Alicia was very sick.

Alicia is my maid of honor (for my wedding and for life). Alicia is a kindred writer spirit. Alicia is my friend. And Alicia is sick.

I flew to San Francisco a few hours after finding out, still in an uncomprehending daze about the news. The news was not good.

Since then, I, like many of her amazing and numerous friends, have tried to busy myself with helping at the hospital, helping manage Alicia's Twitter feed and Facebook page, and generally trying to keep busy with tasks so I'm not left alone with time to think.

There's so much more I want to say, but I am very tired after a long night at the hospital, so I will leave you with this:

Go to msparlette.com. Read Alicia's Story in the Chronicle. Let her know how her story touched you on her Facebook page. Donate a few dollars to honor her strength and courage in her fight to help pay the medical bills that mount with each passing hour. Follow her on Twitter for updates. Send out a prayer, good thought, or peaceful energy to her.

Then tell your friends to do the same.

Preparation

This weekend is our big Easter egg hunt (yes, I am aware Easter was last weekend). As usual, we are upping the ante this year, and having the hunt after Easter proper has allowed me to find some mad bargains on eggs, grass and candy. We have well over 1500 pieces of candy and probably close to 400 eggs this year. Insane. Good thing we have a bigger place to hide them this year! We're also having a kid hunt for the first time, which will be outside if the weather holds, so that should help too.

In the meantime, we've been finishing the trim in the kitchen, I've been making these ridiculous little things to give away as favors, planning the menu, and I suppose I should get to cleaning at some point.

I am just SO ready for the summery part of spring to be here because waking to snow this morning was not my idea of fun (although it was heaven to snuggle under the down comforter for a few extra minutes of snoozing I couldn't really afford. Now I want to go home and go back to bed). And today I daydreamed about lounging by our complex's pool. We only used it twice last year and I am determined to get more use out of it this year!

And thus endeth my random ramblings.

Technology

My new lifestyle of commute-work-commute-eat-sleep has resulted in some significant changes in the technology I use and the way I use that technology.

The biggest change happened last summer, when we finally got those iPhones Peter (and I) have been coveting for so long. It has turned out to be a fantastic thing for me, since my job only allows a few minutes at a computer at a time, barely enough to read my work email, let alone personal email or any other kind or media. When I get home, I would rather talk with my husband and watch a movie together, than stare at my computer screen. Crazy, I know! So I end up reading Facebook, email and Twitter on the iPhone, and read what news and blogs I can on the computer at breakfast.

Being an AVID blog reader, this has been a challenge for me, but it has also been good to cull those over blogs that are productive and underperforming (for my interest). So I'm reading less overall, but more stuff that interests me.

Yesterday brought another change. Peter managed to talk me into more new technology, although I wasn't resisting too hard.

I am now blogging on his brand new iPad! We had talked about this when it was first announced, mainly as a tool for me with the long bus rides. On the iPhone, I can read my email very well, but it's a massive pain to try to type anything.

Typing this entry has maybe taken marginally longer than a regular keyboard, but I think people might be surprised at how easy it really is. Of course, I will have to check more closely for spelling errors, because sometimes it makes the most bizarre word changes!

So you MAY just see more blogging going on here, now that I have an easier way to do it during my extended free time on the bus (but no promises!). Peter is having me test his iPad out on the bus for him (I don't remember what exactly I'm going to test that he can't, but I'm not complaining!). If it changes my life the way the iPhone has, I will very likely be getting my own soon!

Happy teching!

Clutter

I am on a de-cluttering rampage, which might come as a shock for those who know me most intimately.

I like stuff. I have always liked stuff. Having stuff makes me feel safe and secure and this probably means I have lots of psychological issues (uh, duh, as the kids used to say).

However, due to the change in the seasons, the inspiration of a recently redone bathroom, or a recent viewing of ten minutes of the show Hoarders, I have decided to purge our place of some of that "stuff" I love so much.

So far, it has been moderately successful. The kitchen looks great, as does the living room (at the present moment. Just give it a day or two, I'm sure.). The teeny little bathroom we recently almost-totally remodeled looks fabulous and actually NEEDS a couple more things in it to complete it (more stuff? Yes please! New Stuff is in a different category than Old Stuff To Be Purged).

It has even extended to my photos, which are massively overwhelming me. The digital age has been glorious for photography, but lots of photos equals lots of data. And just lots of photos.

I want to get several pictures printed to hang, but choosing which ones seems like a massively overwhelming task. How overwhelming? Well, my dear brother gave me a wonderful Christmas gift involving me choosing a photo to print and I STILL haven't been able to do so. I've barely managed to sit down to attempt the feat three times, each time just feeling like it was an impossible task. Too many pictures, no easy way to sift the wheat from the chaff (since I don't have a good workflow for tagging favorites as they come in) and many of my favorites relatively inaccessible on another hard drive.

I think my next big project (that may or may not be completed, but would ease my heart SO much if I did finish it) will be to perform a COMPLETE backup of all my pictures onto gold DVDs or CDs so they last, complete with a binder (or binders) of index pictures, so I know which disc each picture is on. And copies of those DVDs in another location, like my parents' house. I think the hardest part will be getting the photos ready to burn to DVD. The thought of it makes me break out into a cold sweat.

I think I'll just retreat to the clutterless bathroom for now, thankyouverymuch!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So many changes! Well, not really, especially in comparison to last spring, wherein we house hunted, had two aborted attempts at purchases, bought a place, both looked for and got jobs, etc. But still! Some changes have taken place.

Braces are partially in place, more will be added over time, and so far, so good. I have to brush my teeth a lot more frequently and I narrowly avoided a truly classic moment of spinach smack on my front braces in an important meeting, thanks to a last-minute mirror check for that very reason.

Operation Home Improvement is back from a 6 month hiatus after the marathon that was the kitchen. We bought the most expensive shower curtain we've ever had (i.e., not vinyl and not from Target clearance), and will be painting our tiny tiny back bathroom tomorrow a (hopefully) lovely shade of gray. Actually, "Pelican," but who's counting? The most important aspect of this project is that it has a very high likelihood of being able to be finished, since the room is literally about 4 feet square.

We've been hiking a new trail every weekend for the past several weeks and it's been wonderful. Today we hiked about 4 miles along a trail with great views of the mountains, and Jasper had a fantastic time, as usual. It didn't hurt that it was over 60 today, with perfect blue skies. Everyone has spring fever. And it's supposed to snow again tomorrow (woo. hoo.). I'm so glad we were able to enjoy the weather today.

I finally finished Peter's quilt, which I have been working on for at least 2 years now, maybe more. I definitely work in fits and starts, but I was able to see this one across the finish line! If the light cooperates, I'll try to take a picture of it tomorrow. I'm really pleased with how it turned out, even if it wasn't exactly my own artistic vision being carried out (some clients are rather specific and hands-on in their art direction). Plus, I learned a TON about the whole process and the general idea of machine quilting, which will come in handy when I make my own quilt according to my own specifications.

And with that, I am off to bed, to get one less hour of sleep. Boo to springing forward!

Eating Eve

I have only told approximately three people in my life about this upcoming event, but since it will all go down tomorrow, no use hiding it anymore.

After 8 AM tomorrow, I will not be able to eat the following foods for at least one year:

Popcorn (I KNOW)

Soda

Candy

Chips

Whole apples, pears, carrots, etc.

Toffee

Cookies

Ice cream

Anything sweet

Anything crunchy

Anything delicious

I am getting braces tomorrow. For the third time in my life.

I am very conflicted about this. Obviously, this is my own decision and one I am lucky to have the option to make (hooray for good dental insurance!), and I think it really will be a good thing for me in the end, but I am still not psyched about enduring braces yet again. Not only can I not eat some of my most favoritest foods (she types after polishing off her last bag of popcorn and last Izze soda), but as anyone who has had braces can attest, they hurt. Poking wire, sore spots inside the mouth, not to mention the all-day headaches after tightening sessions. Fun.

On the other hand, my teeth have moved considerably since I last had braces, and will likely continue to worsen. When I have pictures taken, it looks like I have a gap between my two front teeth because of the angles they sit at. At which they sit. Whatever. I am definitely self-conscious about my teeth, even if: a) they are WAY better than what they would have been if my parents hadn't given me braces twice before; and b) they really are not super terrible.

And now everyone knows my secret. Please think of me fondly as you chomp away on your popcorn and wash it down with root beer. (And yes, I'm pretty sure I can eat these things occasionally, but I KNOW popcorn will be a PITA to try to clean out of braces).

Foiled

Normally, this time of biennium, I would be glued to the TV at all possible hours, soaking in as much Olympic-ness as possible. This year, however, we do not have cable TV, since we literally never ever watch it. Normally not a problem, since we have the new-fangled version of rabbit ears, which I call the "bat ears," since they look very much like the Batman symbol. Through this fancy-Dan HD antenna, we can get, in beautiful, crystal clear high-def, any number of home shopping channels, Spanish-language stations, PBS, and even the broadcast networks! BROADCAST. As in, gov't lets them have the air waves so they can BROADCAST to people with antennae! (Yes, this is leading somewhere. Rather pointedly.)

Being a long-time Olympo-phile, I checked out which station bought the rights this year. NBC. Done. Let's check and make sure we get that station (why shouldn't we?). Aaaaaand the surprising answer iiiiiiiisssss......? No. Of course not. Neither of the NBC channels Yahoo TV says we should get are picked up in any form by our antenna. Sweet.

Well, this is twenty-ten, right? We are out of the dark ages of the aughts, and YouTube has been around for YEARS by now, so surely we can stream some form of at least the opening ceremonies and some of the main events, right?

Not so much. Apparently, you need to be a subscriber to cable to be able to access "Premium" content online, like anything more than a 5 minute clip of the hours-long opening ceremony. That was shown for free on the "free" broadcast network. Somehow, I feel like getting cable to watch the stuff online that we can't see on TV defeats the purpose.

Yeah, I know they have to make money, but I am still bitter. However, this did teach me an important lesson. The Oscars are NOT on NBC and I WILL be watching those.

In the meantime, you can find us parked in front of the TV at our former neighbor's house, since they still get the free cable from the university we used to take for granted, and they are also eternally patient and generous.

(Post-script: I love the Olympics so much that when I went to tag this post, I already HAD a tag for the Olympics!)

Homebody weekend

While we didn't do much this weekend, we got a lot done. Finally tackled the boxes of papers that have been sitting in our extra room for months, set up a filing system, got started on taxes, cut out some new sewing projects, took some nice long walks with the pup, read, read, watched Buffy, did some laundry, and even managed to hang out with two sets of friends before 3:30 today!

This brief moment in my life is very nice. I finally feel like I have a little bit of footing in my job, have gotten several very nice comments from patients' parents about the job I am doing, and (for the moment), have a caseload that is light enough that I am getting home before 7 PM a couple nights a week. That will change, and soon, but I am enjoying it while I can.

It's amazing what a difference a few hours makes. With my commute and the bus schedule, I end up with 12 hour days when my schedule is full. 7 to 7 is hard. Hopefully I can enjoy my "break" a little longer.

Wrong number

I got the scariest phone call I've ever gotten tonight.

It was a blocked number, and my parents are the only people who call me who have a blocked number. So I answer friendly-like, as I do when my parents call.

Me: Hey!

Youngish male voice (my brother? he's supposed to be at home this weekend): Hey!

Me: What's up?

Presumed brother: How you doin?

Me (half-paying attention to something else): Good, how are you?

Definitely not my brother: What's up?

Me: Who is this?

Man (suddenly aggressive): Shut the fuck up!

Me: Who's calling? Who is this?

Man: You shut the fuck up when I'm talking to you!

Me: I'm hanging up now.

Man: (Still talking, but I hung up on him).

It was odd enough (especially the beginning when he didn't answer my questions and just traded more greeting type things) that I half suspected it wasn't real and was some type of AI scam or prank call (using prerecorded bits of conversation to make it feel like a real conversation).

But the other half of me was concerned that it WAS a real person and that this was some poor girl's abusive partner who dialed the wrong number and thought his girl was getting uppity with him. To be on the receiving end of that kind of verbal violence was terrible, awful, horrible.

I was incredibly unnerved by the call, regardless of its origin, and was quite shaken, especially thinking it was a real person who could turn so evil to another human being when they had been so friendly just seconds earlier.

And if it is a prank, I'd love to hear how they did it.

So frustrated

And confused.

Why are people opposed to health care reform? Is it because of the cost? Let me tell you about "cost." I just spent--today--2 hours of three professionals' time, including my own, plus one hour of and interpreter's, to try to figure out how to get a mother the access to the health care she *qualifies* for and NEEDS for her child. He has severe medical needs, but will only have 4 more visits under his current plan. I estimate it probably cost almost $1,000 for TODAY'S time alone. I have been working on this kid's case for more than a month. You do the math.

This does not count the 40-50 hours per person, per week, our support staff has been logging to deal with insurance changes with the new year, for the last four weeks.

If we had universal health care, these costs would not exist. If we had universal health care, the hospital would not have to jack up prices because the negotiated rates are so low (literally, we are reimbursed THREE dollars an hour for one plan!!!). Most importantly, if we had universal health care, families would not have to go bankrupt trying to ensure that their children can SURVIVE.

Call me a socialist, call me an idealist, but I think people deserve the RIGHT to basic health care.

Even if you don't want to go that far, can someone explain to me how they can be against reform? I haven't heard a convincing answer yet. And I'm sorry, but "your plan stinks" is not a reason. That just means you have to come up with your own plan. And it has to actually mean CHANGE.

Silence

Sorry about that... Some unexpected things came up over the holidays. My family came to town and we had a lovely time, until the very last day when everyone went cross country skiing while I went to work. I finished with a patient to find several texts from my husband (who doesn't really text) with the words "mom" and "fell" and "ambulance" and possibly/probably "hospital." He tried to soothe me with something about "she's ok," but frankly, all I saw were those other words.

Eventually we found out she had fractured a vertebra (though "broken back" sounds so much more dramatic and is technically true), and she ended up staying almost a week in the hospital while the neurosurgeons debated surgery. Another week later, and she and my dad were finally able to fly home, a mere three weeks after arriving. Luckily for everyone's sanity, Papa was able to get some seriously screaming deals on hotel rooms in the area (sometimes last minute pays off, if it's the off season!), so we could enjoy this unexpected family time with a little distance. It was wonderful to have my parents here, though I certainly wish it had been under better circumstances all around.

Needless to say, life was pretty much paused for those three weeks. We are now getting back into the swing of things, had a wonderful party on Saturday night, then a couple new friends over for dinner on Sunday. I'm also trying to get back into the sewing stuff. I know I want to start a new project, but I'm not sure what yet. Maybe I'll just stare at my pretty pretty fabric and wait for inspiration to strike.

May 2010 end more auspiciously than it began!

Epidemic

It's official. There are three women left in my life (you know who you are) who are not pregnant or brand new mothers. Just for fun, today I counted the pregnant women I saw or heard about and I came up with 4 in less than 2 hours. OK, so that's not EVERY woman I know, but that is an awful lot of pregnant people wandering about!

One friend announced recently on Facebook that she and her husband had "unlocked the Pregnancy Achievement," thus cementing her place in my heart as My Favorite Nerd (and believe you me, there is QUITE the competition!). One coworker had a baby on Monday. I saw one pregnant belly in the hall near my cubby, another in the pharmacy, and another in the audiology hallway. There are still 3 more audiologists expecting, plus at least 3 more in our department. And yesterday morning, I woke up to another announcement from a classmate.

Better call my GYN and make sure all my prescriptions are up to date!

Christmas Cheer

After Nablopomo, I always have great momentum for posting more regularly, but I thrive under pressure, and I just can't seem to bring myself to post more frequently without the lure of PRIZES! even though I still have lots to say.

I am currently covered in threads from Christmas present-making, stuffed with cookies sampled during production, and very, very sad at the thought of going back to work tomorrow. With the bonus Monday gift of getting a cavity filled right before going into work. Fun!

Can't I just stay home and be Christmassy all year? (Aside: somehow, "Christmassy" is recognized as a real word by Blogger. Truly amazing.) I was a baking fiend, even if two of the five recipes didn't come out quite as planned and one whole batch of bars had to go straight into the trash.

Friends, check your nuts BEFORE you put them in the batter, because they may have gone rancid after sitting for years on the shelf. The good news is that after I get some fresh nuts, I think the recipe will be just delicious. And here concludes the most unintentionally dirty paragraph I have ever written.

The most wonderful time of the year

This not-having-finals thing is wonderful. This weekend, we put up most of the Christmas decorations, including the tree, which we decorated with the help of some small friends (all the ornaments on one low branch is definitely the Next Big Thing in decorating), I made some sinfully delicious shortbread cookies, and we even hung our stockings by the chimney (with care!).

We've had quite a bit of snow, which doesn't make it hard to get in the spirit! After posting this, I plan on making a few of the gifts on my list. I love making things, but it certainly takes a little time!

I have jury duty tomorrow, which should be interesting. Part of me is hoping to get put on a trial, because I think that would be really interesting, and part hopes to be dismissed early enough to still see my afternoon patients because I missed last Monday (and Tuesday) because of a bad cold.

Home sick

Left work about 45 minutes after getting there when I realized I really should not have come in. Woke up at 5 AM, unable to breathe, after having a pretty bad asthma attack last night. Thank god for rescue inhalers. Took my wonder drug, Mucinex, this AM, but though my nose is nice and clear, the body aches were unaffected. I think I unwittingly pushed myself too much this weekend with travel and lots of fun times. Off to nap this away and get all the way better ASAP.

(Also, last day of nablopomo! Other than my 5 minute delay, I made it! Mostly. But it still doesn't feel like it counts. Stupid 5 minutes.)