Monday, April 18, 2011

29 weeks and counting

Still feeling good, although definitely getting more tired. I am now technically in my third trimester, which blows my mind. Those first few weeks between the positive pregnancy test and the ultrasound showing the tiny flickering heartbeat were NEVER ENDING, and yet somehow, here we are at light speed, 20 weeks or more later. Insane.

We had our something-th annual Easter Egg-stravaganza last weekend. 467 eggs in our living room, 50 eggs for the inaugural "kid hunt" outside, and 20+ people in our little living room. It was awesome. It's always so amazing that friends who we may not see in months, or even since last hunt, will come without fail. I love it.

I am making more progress in my "nesting" as well, especially now that the hunt is done and I feel like I can concentrate on my own projects again. Mom and Peter painted the room in an epic weekend (bless my mama for spending her precious time here doing that!), Peter is almost done painting the crib (I am dying for that to be done, so I can make the crib skirt, which I need done before I can make the curtains), we installed the new chandelier, and I've made blankets, burp cloths, nursing covers, and a variety of other fun things. I really need to take pictures of it all!

We've been *very* lucky to have several friends who have had 2-3 girls and who are done with kids, so we have been the lucky inheritors of some adorable clothes. I'm just waiting for the room to be a little more "done" before I start washing and putting everything away. But seriously! The stuff is SO cute! It's killing me. However, if this little girl somehow turns out to be a boy, we are in BIG trouble! I'd say 85%-90% of the clothes are pink. So let's hope she's really a little girl like the doc said!

I'll try to post pictures next time, both of my belly and of my craftiness. Hopefully I'll have even more stuff to show next time too!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Just jumping in...

I've been avoiding writing here because SO MUCH has happened that there is no way to catch up on it all... but at the same time, I am constantly wanting to write here, just to document my life.

Short version: We're expecting our first baby! (But I think most of you probably already know that, so I won't try to catch up too much more).

I will be 24 weeks along on Tuesday, which means I am WELL into the glorious second trimester and more than halfway to holding a baby in my arms. Craziness!!!

What this means for this blog is that it will be turning into a baby blog, sadly for some, perhaps. But it's mine, and this is currently the biggest thing happening to me and I want to document it, if only for myself. If you don't want to read, click on that magical little "X" in the corner!

How are you feeling?
This is the question I get asked most often. Now, the answer is "Great!" A few months ago, it was not so great. Now that the all-day nausea and utter lack of appetite have passed, I feel wonderful. My belly is expanding, but I'm not huge. I can still move and bend over, and my toes are not yet strangers.

Answers to other FAQs:
It's a girl, and although we have a list of contenders for names, we don't have one picked and when we do, we won't be sharing it, not with nobody! My guess is that we will have 2-3 favorites and will wait until we meet her to ultimately decide.

No, we are not registered yet (not that you, random internet browser cares, I just get asked this a lot).

No, we are not ready. Is anyone ever ready?

I think that's all for now. Lots more to update, hopefully with pictures, including belly bump status, as well as my many, many sewing projects I've been completing lately (woohoo for nesting energy!)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Poor, neglected blog

Since I haven't written here in MONTHS, and haven't written consistently in probably years, I would be shocked if anyone is reading this. So thank you, whoever happens to be here!

I have now been graduated and working for a little over a year now, and am still adjusting to life outside the ivory tower. And, to be frank, I'm not sure if I really love it. So I want to go back to school for a PhD? No, not right now. But someday? I probably won't be able to resist.

It's funny, it's not that "real life" is hard and that I want to go back to the "easy" life of academia, as people would probably suspect. No, it's more that I am finding this working life is not as challenging as the academic world was and I'm finding my mind is gasping for more.

My job itself is pretty great, and I have done some things to make it more intellectually stimulating (and it is much more intellectually stimulating than many jobs out there), but it's still not quite enough, I think.

I want to push at the boundaries of what it is that we know, not just use already existing information, and find *answers* to the questions I have in the clinic.

In a typical clinic day, there just is not the time to hunt down answers to all the of questions that come up: how many times a week should I see this patient? How much progress can they make with factors X, Y and Z? Should I use this approach or this approach? And even if I did manage to hunt down answers to those questions, the odds are that I would find that zero research has been done on a given topic.

In an ideal world, half my time would be spent in a clinic and the other half would be spent doing research on clinical topics (or at least theoretical topics that could affect clinical practice).

Will that happen? Hopefully. Soon? Maybe not. It is pretty darn nice not having homework!

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Where have I been?

Excellent question, not really a very good answer. The short answer is: working and trying to have a life outside of work. Luckily, I'm doing fairly well at the latter, hopefully OK at the former.

I went to SF for a 2 week training (I KNOW). It was a really good experience, and actually I did OK with visiting the city that had so much emotional weight for me with Alicia. It was awesome to stay with my brother for so long and we even still liked each other at the end! Pretty remarkable.

We've been enjoying the great Colorado outdoors, as well. The last few weekends have been perfect Colorado weekends. One of them was spent tubing Boulder Creek with our awesome former neighbors, then getting froyo on Pearl Street after. Bliss.
Another, we drove 5 hours to the Western Slope to hang out in a cabin with other friends, fish a little, and enjoy the beautiful wildflowers. Jasper got to truly walk off leash for the first time ever since we've had him and he was an absolute champ. Then this weekend, we took Jasper on a 5 mile hike to a mountain lake, loaded up his little pack with water, and now he is POOPED today. He just was motoring up the mountain, and now he's recuperating!

We had brunch with friends (and a pool party afterward), then dinner with another friend tonight, so we have been quite the social butterflies!

I've also been sewing quite a bit. I have a quilt top I intended to finish this weekend, which definitely did not happen (see: pool party, but worth it!), and have made several little clutches for friends and myself. So fun to have a project I can finish quickly!

Sunday, May 23, 2010


In case you are reading my blog from the rock you are hiding under, tonight is the series finale of LOST, a series with MANY questions that people are hoping will all be answered tonight. Good luck.

We will not be watching the extravaganza (which I think is starting about now). This would have surprised the me from 5 years ago, who was deeply involved with the show. It was literally the only thing Peter and I planned on each week for a while. I rescheduled dates with friends because they conflicted. And yet, here we are... not watching it.

About 4 years ago, I think we just became too tired of the endless questions with NO answers. Ever. I could have been satisfied with a little explanation of a few minor points, but instead, everything was ignored in favor of yet more mysteries.

I understand that it's changed A LOT since then and now everyone is all swept up in Lost fever, but I am waiting for the final verdict after tonight. If I hear most people are satisfied, or even mildly satisfied, we'll go back and watch them all on Netflix (we are 9 years behind on the Buffy bandwagon, after all).

On the other hand, if fans are crying for blood or say, "Really? That was it?" then I can save 120 hours of my life and spend them rewatching Veronica Mars. Or watching more of The Wire. Or any of the other amazing shows out there.

Yes, this is kind of cheating, but I don't really care all that much. It IS just TV after all. I think I'll spend the next 2.5 hours of my life walking my dog in this gorgeous Colorado summer evening, instead of being frustrated, disappointed, confused, or, hope against hope, satisfied and delighted. For you Lost-ians, I hope you find what you've been looking for!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The path of grief

I intended to chronicle some of my grief here, but it has become so complicated, I'm not even sure where to start.

The private memorial for Alicia was this past weekend and Peter and I flew out to be there for it. I made a slideshow with pictures from friends and family of all stages of Alicia's life with her many, many different friends. It was really hard to make and really hard to watch.

As I said, though, my grief has become complicated. I have these feeling of guilt, like I don't have as much of a right to grief as others who were closer to her. I am remembering more and more the things I should have done, the things I should have said. The negative memories are overtaking the positive ones, especially those memories of the week in the hospital. I keep thinking that I should have just stayed. I didn't know it at the time, but it was only one more week until she was gone. I could have been there.

I can't remember why I didn't just stay, but then, if I really think about it, I can remember how uncertain everything was. Nothing was known. How much or how little time was left was the question upon which everything hung and for which there was absolutely no answer. I left because I could then come back and relieve those "on duty," and was planning to buy return tickets the very day she died. I also remember that I was thinking about my own patients, who would feel the absence of two weeks of therapy, even if it was not a life-or-death situation.

Other times, my grief is not complicated at all. The emotion just hits me full force, unexpectedly, triggered by something that shouldn't mean so much. It's as if the intellectual grief complicates the raw, primal emotional grief.

I can't rationalize away those body-wracking tears. I can't doubt the pain I feel. Until the brain takes over again, the emotion reigns and I can submit to that vastness, never hoping to try to understand it.

Monday, May 03, 2010


It's late, too late, and I just don't want to sleep. But in the day, I am so tired and all I want to do is stay home and sleep all day.

I know I should sleep, and yet I don't want to. I just want to stay up all night doing things that don't really matter, or connecting with people on Facebook (or blogging).

In the day, when I could easily email, call or text others, I just want to hide in my melancholy. I want to wallow.

I am realizing that even though I can rarely drum up the initiative to reach out and contact others, when I do, it's immensely rewarding and so very worth it.

So maybe I should try sleeping at night and talking to people in the day. I think that would be healthy. But not very vampiric*.

*I love that that is really a word and that my spellcheck doesn't blink at "vampiric," but it gets angry at "Facebook." Some programmer has their priorities straight.