Saturday, November 28, 2009
For the first time in my life, I am at a point where what I am doing could be (will be?) what I will be doing for The Rest of My Life. This scares the shit out of me. Not because I'm not happy with my chosen profession or because I don't like not having homework, but because this feels so final. So ultimate.
I know it doesn't need to be, and being out of school does give me so many more options, but it is utterly frightening not to have an ultimate goal. In grad school, there was always an end goal (the degree) and even a general end date. Before that, my goal was grad school. Before that, graduation from undergrad. Etc.
So now that I am just working, what exactly is the goal? I mean, I know the goal is to help kids and generally make the world a better place and hopefully have a family someday, but it's just too abstract for me right now.
Maybe that's why I've thrown myself so much into sewing and making these various projects. They give me some sense of completion, a goal to work towards, because goodness knows my job does not give me that. Some jobs are project-driven, and I tend to do very well with those kinds of jobs. Other jobs you just keep DOING, and the doing is the job. The doing may vary considerably from day to day, and it may be very important that you keep doing, but the doing never stops.
Perhaps someday I will decide I want to go back for a PhD, and then I won't have ANY problem with goals and deadlines! In the meantime, I will continue having projects at home to give me a sense of completion. In addition, I am going to try to follow the excellent advice of my father, who was a school counselor for many years, which is very similar to what I do, and make sure that I FINISH the projects on the weekend so that I can get a sense of completion and not have things hanging over my head at home and at work.